Discussion Guidelines # 9

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16.  May others respond to what we say?
       Do I have to have the last word or would it be helpful to get feedback?

17.  When we ask a question, will we be willing to tell why we want to know the answer?
       I may want to know why someone is asking questions.  What are you going to do with the information?  Why are you interested?


18.  May a person decide to quit talking when they choose?
      In most groups, I do not require people to talk.  Some people learn better with their mouths open and others learn better with their mouths closed.  Each person can decide which works best for them without pressure.

...to be continued...

Discussion Guidelines # 8

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13.  If what I say offends or hurts you, will you tell me or will you talk about me to others?

This is a powerful commitment!  Think how assuring it would be if we didn’t have to wonder how we were coming across to others.

14.  If, after a group session is over, you realize that you didn’t get finished, will you bring the matter back to the group and work it out?

This reminds us that we deal with group business in the group.

15.  May we be humble instead of arrogant?  That is, if we don’t know what someone is thinking or feeling, will we ask or will we assume that we know what they are thinking or feeling? Matthew 5:3; 1 Corinthians 2:11

One of my mistakes in communication is attempting to mind-read.  I think I know what you are thinking and act on that assumption.  The only problem is that I don’t know what you are thinking unless you tell me.  The best policy is to ask.


...to be continued...

Discussion Guidelines # 7

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12.  Do we want to have a rule of confidentiality:

a. What we say here stays here?
This is essential if we are to develop a trusting group. Many people assume that elders, preachers, and other leaders will keep confidences. This is where people are often hurt. Assuming is not good communication. Too often Christians don’t keep personal matters confidential. I like to talk about it. What does it mean “What we say here stays here”? What if we discuss the weather or read John 3:16 in the group? Can we not take that out of the group? In our staff meetings at Berry’s Chapel, we developed the “church bulletin rule”: if we talk about something in a staff meeting that we would print in the church bulletin, we can talk about it out of the group. If we wouldn’t print it in the bulletin, we won’t carry it out of the meeting. If there is any question, it is best to check with the person or people to whom the information belongs.

b. Will I take care of myself, telling the group only what I trust them to keep?
After we have established this rule, I encourage new members to doubt that as long as they need to doubt it. Anyone can say what we have just said, “What we say here stays here.” I believe that faith grows through “creative doubt.” Creative doubt is doubt that asks questions and sincerely wants to know the truth. It is my observation that it took about two years in our Third Monday Workshop to establish trust in the group where we could talk about serious, personal issues. After establishing that trust in the core group, new members do not seem to diminish the readiness of group members to discuss what they need to discuss. Since August of 1988, I don’t know of a matter getting out of the group. That’s powerful! That’s encouraging to have that kind of support group.

...to be continued...

Discussion Guidelines # 6

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10.   Will we have a right to disagree with each other?

In several decades of leading groups, I have always gained permission for disagreement in the group. I’ve said that if I ever get a group where we can’t disagree, I want to talk first because I like my opinions better any those of anyone else. But I wouldn’t learn very much.

11.  Will we settle group business in the group or will we get in small groups afterwards and talk about each other?

Polarizing begins to take place when we start talking about each other instead of to each other. If it is group business, it needs to be addressed in the group.

...to be continued...

Discussion Guidelines # 5

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1.D     8.  Do you want to have a rule that we will not make fun of what people say in this group?

         We can laugh with people but not at people.  How can we know if we are laughing with or laughing at?  The first test is to see if the other person is laughing.  I cannot laugh with someone who is not laughing.  But I may need to ask the person being discussed if it feels like we are laughing with him or at him.  Solomon said, “Sorrow may hide behind laughter, and happiness may end in sorrow (Proverbs 14:13, The Contemporary English Version).  This brings us to the next rule.

2.        9.   May I, as a leader, have a right to interrupt?

       If I have any question, I will ask the person who is the focus of the laughter, “Does it feel like we are laughing with you or at you?”.  Several years ago, I was leading a group.  After an elder’s wife had made a comment, someone said, “That’s the way Yankees are.”  The group laughed.  I asked her, “Does it feel like we are laughing with you or at you?”.  She replied:  “We have been living here fourteen years and worshiping with this congregation.  We have taught Bible classes.  We have been involved in the work.  It would really feel good to be just a Christian, a member of this church and not a “Yankee Christian.”  We learned a lesson that night.

...to be continued...

Discussion Guidelines #4

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6.    Will each person speak for himself or herself or will we speak for others such as “they,” “them,” “everybody,” and for God as well?

     How many times have you heard, “A lot of people are upset;” “Several are unhappy with the preacher”?  When asked for names, the reply often is, “Well I can’t tell you who they are, but there’s a bunch.”  I like to have the guideline, I’ll speak for me, you speak for you, and let God speak for God. 

     Unless you have been elected to the House of Representatives or the Senate, you do not have permission to represent anyone in this group except yourself. I don’t know who the “several” are. I don’t know how many are in a “bunch.” I would be interested in knowing what you think. I will value what you say.

7.    Will we have a right to all our feelings: the painful as well as the pleasant?

     Some people are convinced that there are good feeling and bad feelings. I think there are pleasant feeling and painful feelings. But it is my understanding that all our emotions are given to us by God and are good for us. I need to be responsible how I act on my emotions, but they are all helpful. I usually mention the four “feeling groups”: mad, sad, glad, scared.

     We can be sad. We have tissues. If Jesus can cry (John 11:35), I can cry. We can be scared and talk about that. We have a right to be angry. Jesus was angry (Mark 3:5). Therefore, it must not be sinful. Paul said to be angry and not sin (Ephesians 4:26). You have a right to be angry. You have a right to be angry with me. You can talk about being angry with me. However, you do not have a right to hit me or tear up the furniture. There is a difference in what we feel and what we do with out feelings. We can be glad and laugh. There is a qualification on that which is included in the next guideline.

...to be continued...

Discussion Guidelines #3

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4.     Will we speak one at a time? 1 Corinthians 14:27-33

        If we are working as a group, I show disrespect to the group in general and to the person speaking in particular when I begin a private conversation with my neighbor.  If it relates to the group, it should be shared with the group.  If it doesn’t relate to the group, it can be held until a break.

         This has been the most difficult rule for me to enforce as a leader.  I have been leading the Third Monday Workshop stress session made up of preachers, elders, youth ministers, and other interested Christians in the Nashville, Tennessee, area since the fall of 1989.  Three times I have come to the group to suggest that we agree to dispense with this guideline because it is violated so often.  It is embarrassing for me to call to account preachers and elders who are older than I am and have more education than I have for talking when they have agreed not to talk.  But each time the group has assured me that it is important to the group process.  We still have the guideline and it seems that it has been observed better.
          When others start talking when someone has the floor, I pause the one talking, turn to the interrupters, and wait for them to finish.  I then turn to the first speaker and say, “You may continue.”  I have not had to do this in a couple of years.

5.     Will we talk where others can hear or will we speak softly and in small groups where others will not know what is being said?

       This is a follow-up on the previous guideline.  Unauthorized sub-grouping will destroy the group.  It drains energy and attention when some obviously do not think the person who is speaking has anything as valuable to say as what they are saying.

...to be continued...