Discussion Guidelines # 11

...see previous posts on "Guidelines"



21. Are we aware that some of these rules will probably be broken?  What will we learn about ourselves and leadership when they are broken?
a. By us?
b. By others?
Can we ask and answer the question, “What did you learn from that”?  These guidelines form boundaries that are sometimes difficult to remember and/or difficult to keep.  When we hold ourselves and others accountable to do what we agreed to do, it can be helpful.  If a guideline is not helpful, it can be changed.  Self-reporting is especially commendable and an opportunity to teach and give others permission to analyze themselves in the group process.


22. Will we agree to try to apply these Biblical principles to ourselves before we try to “fix” other people who are in this group or people who are not here? Psalm 139:23,24; 1 Corinthians 9:27; 2 Corinthians 13:5; 2 Corinthians 10:12
This may be one of the most difficult.  I often say it is hard to keep everyone in the room during a class or group session.  I want to jump out the window and bring in a friend or an enemy who needs to hear this more than I do.  “I wish John and Mary were here.  They really need to hear this.  Those folks down the street need this.”  I call this the “me first” principle of Bible study.  The first question I need to ask when studying God’s word or implementing principles that I am learning is, “How does this apply to me?”.

...to be continued...

Discussion Guidelines # 10

...see previous posts on "Guidelines"

19. Will we attend all sessions?  If we must be absent, will we tell the group why?

It is a matter of courtesy to be responsible to a group (class, elder’s meeting, committee meeting).  It takes group energy away from group process when a member is late or absent without explanation.  “I wonder if they are sick, had an accident, forgot, or don’t care about our work?”  This can be eliminated by a call or e-mail:  “I will be fifteen minutes late,” or “I am sick and will be unable to be at tonight’s meeting.”

20. Will we agree to not talk about group business during breaks?

This guideline is especially helpful in groups that are learning experiences in how groups work.  If we talk about group business during breaks, we deprive the rest of the group from our thoughts and ourselves of the wisdom of the rest of the group.  If the meeting is dealing with conflict, it is easier to choose sides and plot destruction by subdividing and talking about others during breaks of ten minutes or two days.

...to be continued...

New Class Available at LaVergne

We will start a new class this Thursday at the LaVergne church of Christ:  Learning to Love my Friend(s).  This is a training class that I have lead with many groups.  We have this class now that includes our elders, staff, and spouses.  We meet in our homes.  I have found it helpful for learning to minister to people and for developing better relationships in the group taking the class.


In our Thursday classes, we plan to do an overview of two sessions each month.  Those attending may want to lead these groups in their congregations.


The titles of the classes:


 1.  Opening Lesson

 2.  My Friend Jesus Understands Me

 3.  My Friend Jesus Understands Me When I Am Tired and Lonely

 4.  My Friend Jesus Understands Me When I Am Tempted

 5.  My Friend Jesus Understands Me When I Am Tired and Lonely

 6.  My Friend Jesus Understands Me When I Am Tempted

 7.  My Friend Jesus Tells Me the Truth

 8.  Jesus Is Willing to Help and Serve Me with Patience

 9.  My Friend Brings Out the Best in Me and Challenges Me to Grow

10.  How Can I Be a Friend to Jesus?

For more information, please go to my web site:  Interim Ministry Classes .

Discussion Guidelines # 9

...see previous posts on "Guidelines"


16.  May others respond to what we say?
       Do I have to have the last word or would it be helpful to get feedback?

17.  When we ask a question, will we be willing to tell why we want to know the answer?
       I may want to know why someone is asking questions.  What are you going to do with the information?  Why are you interested?


18.  May a person decide to quit talking when they choose?
      In most groups, I do not require people to talk.  Some people learn better with their mouths open and others learn better with their mouths closed.  Each person can decide which works best for them without pressure.

...to be continued...

Discussion Guidelines # 8

...see previous posts on "Guidelines"


13.  If what I say offends or hurts you, will you tell me or will you talk about me to others?

This is a powerful commitment!  Think how assuring it would be if we didn’t have to wonder how we were coming across to others.

14.  If, after a group session is over, you realize that you didn’t get finished, will you bring the matter back to the group and work it out?

This reminds us that we deal with group business in the group.

15.  May we be humble instead of arrogant?  That is, if we don’t know what someone is thinking or feeling, will we ask or will we assume that we know what they are thinking or feeling? Matthew 5:3; 1 Corinthians 2:11

One of my mistakes in communication is attempting to mind-read.  I think I know what you are thinking and act on that assumption.  The only problem is that I don’t know what you are thinking unless you tell me.  The best policy is to ask.


...to be continued...

Discussion Guidelines # 7

...see previous posts on "Guidelines"

12.  Do we want to have a rule of confidentiality:

a. What we say here stays here?
This is essential if we are to develop a trusting group. Many people assume that elders, preachers, and other leaders will keep confidences. This is where people are often hurt. Assuming is not good communication. Too often Christians don’t keep personal matters confidential. I like to talk about it. What does it mean “What we say here stays here”? What if we discuss the weather or read John 3:16 in the group? Can we not take that out of the group? In our staff meetings at Berry’s Chapel, we developed the “church bulletin rule”: if we talk about something in a staff meeting that we would print in the church bulletin, we can talk about it out of the group. If we wouldn’t print it in the bulletin, we won’t carry it out of the meeting. If there is any question, it is best to check with the person or people to whom the information belongs.

b. Will I take care of myself, telling the group only what I trust them to keep?
After we have established this rule, I encourage new members to doubt that as long as they need to doubt it. Anyone can say what we have just said, “What we say here stays here.” I believe that faith grows through “creative doubt.” Creative doubt is doubt that asks questions and sincerely wants to know the truth. It is my observation that it took about two years in our Third Monday Workshop to establish trust in the group where we could talk about serious, personal issues. After establishing that trust in the core group, new members do not seem to diminish the readiness of group members to discuss what they need to discuss. Since August of 1988, I don’t know of a matter getting out of the group. That’s powerful! That’s encouraging to have that kind of support group.

...to be continued...

Discussion Guidelines # 6

...see previous posts on "Guidelines"

10.   Will we have a right to disagree with each other?

In several decades of leading groups, I have always gained permission for disagreement in the group. I’ve said that if I ever get a group where we can’t disagree, I want to talk first because I like my opinions better any those of anyone else. But I wouldn’t learn very much.

11.  Will we settle group business in the group or will we get in small groups afterwards and talk about each other?

Polarizing begins to take place when we start talking about each other instead of to each other. If it is group business, it needs to be addressed in the group.

...to be continued...